In marriage in order for there to be a connection and lasting bond between husband and wife you must go through a similar process. Gen 2:23 gives us the process.  I call it the N/ L/ C/ process.

Gen.2:23 And Adam said this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Part one of that process is Naming:

There is a Naming that Adam does, the husband establishes the relationship when he officially, legally declares what the relationship will be, he identifies that this woman is a part of him, and  she is his missing part. Adam is the one that names her, calling her woman, (Is shah) in the original language. This is what is supposed to be happening at your wedding – you are declaring to the world that this is officially, spiritually, and legally your wife, your missing part and she is now your woman. You do this before God, your family, her family, friends, enemies and past lovers. Her father passes the responsibility of her care, nurture and protection over to you when the minister asked,”who gives this woman”. You said. “I Do” and accepted the responsibility spiritually, emotionally and legally to take care of , love and provide for her.

Part two of that process is Leaving:

There is a Leaving that Adam must do: Your mother and father are your first helpers, they play a
vital role in your existence, nurture and maturity and you should always honor and appreciate them for that. However in order for the husband and wife  to make a good lasting connection you must change your relationship with your mother and father.  The Bible says leave your mother and father- the word leave means to leave, loose, forsake, depart from, leave behind, let alone, abandon. Why would God ask you to leave the two people who have probably done more for you than anyone else?  Your mother is your first helper, she does almost all of the tasks that your wife must now pick up, she washed your clothes, prepared a home, nurtured you, comforted you, feed you, befriended you etc.  These are now all the duties that your wife must pick up plus one that  mother could never do.  If a man does not make the
emotional, physical, and spiritual break with his parents his wife cannot make the bond as his new help meet and it can eventually destroy the marriage.

You cannot cleave until you leave mother and father because this relationship will interfere with the bonding. This is harder if the mother does not have a healthy relationship with her husband or if she doesn’t have a husband and the son has played the emotional role of husband for years. She will fight to keep her ‘little husband’ and may subconsciously or consciously  look for ways to break the bonding of the marriage. You will have to be firm but loving with her, it is not your wife’s responsibility to set the boundaries with your parent(s), it will only cause war between them that you will be in the middle of.

This does not mean you do not care for your parents, it means that God is now holding you accountable to your first responsibility -your wife and then your children. When you are put in a situation of choosing to meet the needs of your mother and father or your wife and children you are spiritually, legally and emotionally responsible to meet the needs of your wife and children. Your relationship with your parents must change – You must firmly set the boundaries and they and everyone else  must know that your wife comes  first.

When a wife does not feel secure in the bonding she will act out in various ways, withholding sex, yelling, arguing, leaving, depression, disconnecting etc. She is created to be your helper and when another woman (your mother)  is functioning in that role your wife is left to only meet your sexual needs which makes her feel used, cheap and cheated on.

To really leave you must be consistent, not turning back ;  this does not change with circumstances. You do not run back to mom when things are not going well with your wife, that relationship has changed for good. If your wife is not cooking because she is angry you must either repair that relationship or learn to cook for yourself.  Once that is clear to the parents and the wife is secure in her new role she will probably even help you to care for your parents. You have to put the responsibility of your parents at the foot of the cross, you cannot be the husband for two households. The Lord is able to take care of your parent(s),  and with fewer human props they will learn to trust in the Lord in a more vital way.

Part three of the process is Cleaving:

Once the leaving has taken place you can now cleave which means to overtake , stick to, cling, stay with, pursue closely, follow hard. You are to be the glue that runs after and pursues your wife, God holds you responsible to do all in your power to keep the bond tight and firm and when you have done this properly you two become one flesh. In the sight of God you are like one person, flowing and moving together to serve Him. Cleaving must be maintained through hard trials, sickness, financial pressures, crisis, drama with children, mistakes and hurt.

Maintaining a healthy spiritual relationship by praying with your wife, leading your family in the study of the Word and worshipping together is the first key.

Maintaining a healthy emotional relationship by communicating, not shutting down, speaking the truth in love, forgiving one another and pushing to reconcile is the second key.

Maintaining a good sexual relationship by keeping the romance going making her feel special, showing her care, protection , complementing her will give her the motivation to keep connecting physically. This is the third key.

Do not take on substitutes to meet your sexual needs in other ways, ( fantasy, pleasuring yourself or
flirting with other women)  this is the one need she meets that no one else on the planet is supposed to be meeting. Sex helps a husband and wife stay connected.

More than anything this is about your vows before the Lord , He is holding you accountable to them.  A poor relationship with your wife will even hinder your spiritual growth and ministry.

I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. KJV
(NLT)  In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. 

You can’t be but so spiritually deep if God himself is hindering your prayers, you need His favor and help for every area of your life. Treat you wife with honor realizing that you inherit the promises of God together, you will not inherit all that you should by leaving her by the wayside. We can choose to get  a divorce but God remembers your vows.

You are not called to be a momma’s boy but a Mighty Man of God!

Dr. Ja’Ola Walker

Whenever I have an issue with my spouse,   we can’t seem to talk about it. We start yelling at each other but neither of us are listening. How do I approach situation?

• You must communicate with spouse Matthew 18:15 go to person alone
• Pick a time when spouse will be in a more relaxed and positive frame of mind Eccles. 3:7 there’s a time to speak
• Start conversation with endearing words honey, darling, sweetheart, baby, beloved . (Song of Solomon)
• Speak in a gentle non accusatory tone giving eye contact whole time you speak Prov. 15:1 Soft answer turneth away wrath
• Give spouse a praise related to the issue, “I really appreciate how you”. Prov. 16:24 Pleasant words are as a honeycomb sweet to  the soul and health to the bones
• Make disarming statement,  ”I have no desire to hurt you in anyway”

        1 Cor. 13:4 love is kind

• Express a confident outcome, “I know that together we will work this out” Amos 3:3
• Share your feeling truthfully using I statement  (I feel , I need)
• Give opportunity for response, 1 Peter 3:8 be courteous
• Make mutual solution proposals negotiate best solution, Eph 5:21 submitting yourself one to another
• Write it down and if mutually agreeable sign it,  Hab 2:2 Write the vision
• After some time come back evaluate and make adjustment

2.      How do I respond to my wife in menopause

• Get informed- Get information on menopause, on line, from doctor, books, other relatives
• Discuss with wife her specific symptoms and challenges
• Ask her what kind of support she wants and needs
• Be affirming
• Be patient
• Do not take mood changes and negative attitudes personally
• Periodically get together with other brothers whose wives are experiencing menopause.

3     How do we become one when we have outside influences family, friends, and in laws

• Set a time to discuss the matter Eccl. 3:7 time to speak
• Each person briefly shares the view of issue using I statements
• Express a confident outcome I know that together we will work this out Amos 3:3
• Share your feeling truthfully using I statements (I feel , I need)
• Give opportunity for response 1 Peter 3:8 be courteous
• Make mutual solution proposals negotiate what boundaries will implemented Eph 5:21 submitting yourself one to another
• Write it down and if mutually agreeable sign it Hab 2:2 Write the vision
• Plan more couple events for just two
• Speak to family persons who are exercising outside influences about the negotiated boundaries and petition them to observe them
• After some time come back evaluate and make adjustments

The problem is, porn is a satanic seed that  seems to start innocently enough, “after all I am married and the bed is undefiled”, but it  takes root  and ends up growing into a monster that ultimately can destroy the marriage and the man.

One of the things the Devil tells you over and over about certain sins is ‘it’s not hurting anyone’. That is one of the main things that he tells you about pornography. My husband and I have been  Family Life Educators for 30 years and Pastors for 11 ,we have watched the spirit of pornography destroy marriages.

The devil even tells folk that ” this will help your marriage “, so you even have wives who have introduced it into their marriage. They thought  that it would help their marriage  if they watch it together. Some women will allow the stripper at the bachelor party or ignore the ‘dirty’ magazines they know are under the bed, thinking-’ it won’t hurt anyone, it may even take some pressure off of me’.

The problem is, porn is a satanic seed that  seems to start innocently enough, “after all I am married and the bed is undefiled”, but it  takes root  and ends up growing into a monster that ultimately can destroy the marriage and the man. Pornography takes on a spiritual force that drives a man and brings him into addiction and bondage. There are also Christian women who are addicted to porn with very negative effects as any form of addiction will have, but I will focus on the brothers.

Sexual intimacy in marriage done right brings a man and woman who are totally committed to each other, for life, face to face, giving themselves to each other, bodies entwined, accepting each other, covering, and communicating on a spiritual level. It is meant to heal and connect them like nothing else can.

Porn takes the attention off the woman you have committed to and turns your  focus on  a fantasy. The fantasy takes root in a man’s mind and eventually it gets harder and harder to  be turned on by his wife or a real live woman because he needs the fantasy to get aroused. The fantasy does not fuss, does not have bad breath, there are no wrinkles, bulges, bumps or pimples. The fantasy is perfect, compliant, obedient , available anytime day or night. She doesn’t have a period or cramps, menopause, a bad attitude nor does she get pregnant.

As a man continues to have the affair with this spirit he is less and less attracted to his wife and he begins to ask that she do certain things to try and measure up to his fantasy. You need to be more sexy, wear something sexier, fix your hair differently, do this act, try this move I saw…. The wife begins to feel inadequate and unaccepted. They actually grow farther and farther apart, he stops doing the things he needs to do to woo her, he doesn’t need to be affectionate, he doesn’t have to put up with her mouth, he doesn’t have to deal with her changing moods he can go farther and farther into the fantasy world with the porn spirit. His sexuality becomes very selfish and self- centered, her emotional needs are not met so her sexual needs are not met. She begins to fuss and complain about these needs not being met and it pushes him farther and farther into intimacy with the demonic spirit.

It  gets easier for him to disappear into the fantasy world with his porn spirit, he doesn’t have to be a good lover with his spirit. He doesn’t have prepare and stimulate his wife or wait for her and build the tension together towards that wonderful release. He usually becomes worse and worse at meeting her needs because he can always go back to Ms Porn. That spirit progressively pushes him to want something more and more kinky, weird , or drastic  until he is desensitized to the normal things that stimulate a man. He may move towards adding violence, attractions to children , same sex fantasies or multiple partners. It is never enough and there is never a bottom to the barrel of want.

To pull out, he will need to acknowledge and confess his sin to his wife, his pastor and an accountability partner. He will need to immerse  himself in the Word of God and begin to ask the Lord to heal his sexual imaginations, his mind and heart. He needs to renounce the spirit of pornography and remove all outlets. Put blocks on the TV, throw away all materials, he may need to get off the computer all together. Realize this is an addiction and you will always have to be on guard against falling off the wagon.

Change the physical place that you fantasize – change the room, the decor, the colors, the furniture layout. Put a picture of your wife or a big Bible or picture of the Calvary scene on the wall , something that will disrupt you from moving into that fantasy world.

He will need to rededicate himself to his wife ( consider a renewal of vows and recommit to her alone) . He will need to lay down the critical thoughts he has about her and the tendency to  fit her into the perfect mold of his previous lover.

He will need to begin to focus on meeting her needs, talking to her, caressing her, and try to reengage in a normal sex life. For a time it may not even be satisfying to him but he must continually  ask the Lord to heal his mind and heart. Focus on her fulfillment.

Find other ways to handle your stress and begin to find God’s purpose for your life and move towards that. Use exercise and sports to burn off excessive sexual energy.

This is not easy, like any addiction it is a lifetime commitment that requires being vigilant. You can be healed and save your marriage, if your wife is willing, but most of all you can save yourself and pull up out of the deep pit of bondage to reemerge as a man of purity and power.

The Bible talks about bitterness as a root, specifically an acrid, bitter poisonous root.Bitterness is a love killer, it is so important that we learn to talk about our feelings so we don’t bury them. Hurt that is not dealt with becomes bitterness. Couples cannot afford to let a lot of unresolved feelings pile up. The Word tells us do not let the sun go down on our wrath. Deal with issues, you won’t sleep well when you are angry anyway.

Here are some characteristics of bitterness; it has stages beginning with  milder feelings of irritability, if not dealt with it moves to resentment, indignation and then anger from that you will develop feelings of hatred, then evil imaginations and finally cold indifference . This is often the point where couples no longer care and divorce is usually not far behind.

Here are some of the causes of bitterness ; 1) hurt, 2) offenses   (Proverbs 18:19  A brother offended is harder to be won than strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.  3) Fornication and sexual sins  (Proverbs 5:4 describes the end of the life of a woman who lived a life of sexual sins -”her end is bitter as wormwood” 4) Being profane, godless, and sacrilegious  like Esau who was bitter because of all he lost (Hebrews 12: 16,17)   and finally 5) Unforgiveness.

Verse Verse 15 in Hebrews 12 shows us the process that bitterness develops… Look diligently lest…  1.)  You fail of the grace of God (Fall back and fail to receive His grace)     2.)  Roots of resentment and bitterness shoot up.  3.)  If not rooted out, it causes you  trouble and torment. Finally 4. ) You are contaminated and defiled.

Some have even continued until they were in the “gall of  bitterness” which can lead to witchcraft and sorcery. Acts 8:23 (Simon)

There are consequences for living a life of bitterness:

A. Sickness, cancer, arthritis

B. Lack of grace, (defilement, trouble)

C. Linked with envy and strife

D. Spiritual Bondage

  Certain spirits are cousins to bitterness and like to travel together -    resentment, hatred, unforgiveness, violence, temper, anger, retaliation,

murder.

What is the cure ?

A. Change your thinking;

1. Remember- this is not about you, stop taking it personally. We are told that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and wicked spirits. Satan hates Christian marriages so you are in a war.  In this life you shall have tribulation. Your spouse can be deceived and used by the enemy to hurt you. But we have all sinned and had times when we were operating in an ungodly way with ungodly attitudes.  Remember how great your sin was  and is, Jesus continually forgives  you. (Matt 6:14, Matt 18:21-35). Try to see the person from God’s perspective.  If for no other reason forgive for your own health, freedom, and peace of mind.  Husbands have a particular warning not to be bitter against their wives. It will hinder your prayers.  (Col 3:19) Bitterness will affect your relationship with the Lord, no one is worth hindering your relationship with God.

 B. Change your behavior; 1. Confess bitterness as sin  2. Bind, renounce and cast off the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness.  3. Make a quality decision to let it go. Whenever you think negatively about your spouse pray for them. The Lord tells us to pray for them that despitefully use us, hopefully it’s not bad, but we are called to pray for our enemies so surely we can pray for our spouses. As you pray the Holy Spirit will change your heart. 4. Determine to put off anger, wrath,  malice, blasphemy, filthy  communication out of  your mouth, lie  not to one another.  (Col 3:8,9,10)  5. Put on… compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.(Col 3:12-17) a. Let peace rule   b. Be thankful , c. Let the Word dwell richly, d. Teach and admonish each other in psalms, hymns, spiritual songs   e. Sing in your hearts   f. Do everything in the name of the Lord.

Wait until the two of you calm down, do not call names, talk about your feelings without blaming. Take responsibility for your feelings ”I felt hurt when you said that”, focus on a solution. Each person take a turn to talk without interruptions . Pray together. Make your marriage a priority and learn some new communication and negotiation skills.

If you two are always in a struggle for power in the relationship, money will be one of the main tools that you will use to fight. You even need to look at how money was handled in your family and your spouse’s family; your legacies will affect you both.

Unfortunately we are always looking for a quick answer, a pill we can take, a button we can push to make everything all right. This issue is complex and layered, and you must focus on strengthening a variety of skills to improve how you manage your finances as a couple.

Start with your communication skills; make your marriage a priority; determine to focus time, money, and energy to grow and learn. Many of us don’t feel we have the time to go to a retreat or conference, we don’t have the money to buy a book or curriculum, so we push back those things until we are in crisis. Don’t wait for a crisis; take charge now. If you are in crisis, take charge now. Make a decision to start today to strengthen your relationship; if it is strong, it can get better, if it is weak, stop being negative and move towards hope. It takes time, patience, and a commitment to learn the new skills you need, but you can do it.

Let me give you a tip: if your discussions about money are very heated, that means there are other underlying issues. Until you can begin to work on them and get some new skills, try this.

Pull out some pens and paper and together write down a summary of what you owe and what comes in. Don’t argue or debate; just get down the facts.

Pray and ask the Lord to take over this area of your marriage; repent if you have not been tithing. You will never get out of the hole if you are under a curse (Mal 3:8-10). Ask the Lord to lead you and help you to work together.

Each of you share some solutions and write them down. Decide together which one to start working on.

If you can’t agree, you pick one solution, let the other person pick one, and begin working on those. Meet every week, have prayer, and give your updates. If you are in a lot of debt, you might want to pick one small debt, pay it off quickly, then use that extra money to tackle the next bill and so on. Both of you must determine to stop spending and keep each other focused. Don’t fuss, don’t blame, don’t look at the past or whose fault it is–focus on the solution.

Do some research on the Scriptures about finances, look on the internet for free articles, and buy one good practical, biblical resource you can study together. The For Christian Lovers Only™ Marriage curriculum has a great lesson you can study together, “Talkin’ Money with Your Honey.” There are charts to record your bills and set up a budget, discussion questions, and activities you can do together. There is hope; there are resources; the Lord wants to give you a hope and a future. You are not in this alone.