The Problem With Porn

One of the things the Devil tells you over and over about certain sins is 'it's not hurting anyone'. That is one of the main things that he tells you about pornography. My husband and I have been  Family Life Educators for 30 years and Pastors for 11 ,we have watched the spirit of pornography destroy marriages.

The devil even tells folk that " this will help your marriage ", so you even have wives who have introduced it into their marriage. They thought  that it would help their marriage  if they watch it together. Some women will allow the stripper at the bachelor party or ignore the 'dirty' magazines they know are under the bed, thinking-' it won't hurt anyone, it may even take some pressure off of me'.

The problem is, porn is a satanic seed that  seems to start innocently enough, "after all I am married and the bed is undefiled", but it  takes root  and ends up growing into a monster that ultimately can destroy the marriage and the man. Pornography takes on a spiritual force that drives a man and brings him into addiction and bondage. There are also Christian women who are addicted to porn with very negative effects as any form of addiction will have, but I will focus on the brothers.

Sexual intimacy in marriage done right brings a man and woman who are totally committed to each other, for life, face to face, giving themselves to each other, bodies entwined, accepting each other, covering, and communicating on a spiritual level. It is meant to heal and connect them like nothing else can.

 Porn takes the attention off the woman you have committed to and turns your  focus on  a fantasy. The fantasy takes root in a man's mind and eventually it gets harder and harder to  be turned on by his wife or a real live woman because he needs the fantasy to get aroused. The fantasy does not fuss, does not have bad breath, there are no wrinkles, bulges, bumps or pimples. The fantasy is perfect, compliant, obedient , available anytime day or night. She doesn't have a period or cramps, menopause, a bad attitude nor does she get pregnant.

As a man continues to have the affair with this spirit he is less and less attracted to his wife and he begins to ask that she do certain things to try and measure up to his fantasy. You need to be more sexy, wear something sexier, fix your hair differently, do this act, try this move I saw.... The wife begins to feel inadequate and unaccepted. They actually grow farther and farther apart, he stops doing the things he needs to do to woo her, he doesn't need to be affectionate, he doesn't have to put up with her mouth, he doesn't have to deal with her changing moods he can go farther and farther into the fantasy world with the porn spirit. His sexuality becomes very selfish and self- centered, her emotional needs are not met so her sexual needs are not met. She begins to fuss and complain about these needs not being met and it pushes him farther and farther into intimacy with the demonic spirit.

It  gets easier for him to disappear into the fantasy world with his porn spirit, he doesn't have to be a good lover with his spirit. He doesn't have prepare and stimulate his wife or wait for her and build the tension together towards that wonderful release. He usually becomes worse and worse at meeting her needs because he can always go back to Ms Porn. That spirit progressively pushes him to want something more and more kinky, weird , or drastic  until he is desensitized to the normal things that stimulate a man. He may move towards adding violence, attractions to children , same sex fantasies or multiple partners. It is never enough and there is never a bottom to the barrel of want.

To pull out, he will need to acknowledge and confess his sin to his wife, his pastor and an accountability partner. He will need to immerse  himself in the Word of God and begin to ask the Lord to heal his sexual imaginations, his mind and heart. He needs to renounce the spirit of pornography and remove all outlets. Put blocks on the TV, throw away all materials, he may need to get off the computer all together. Realize this is an addiction and you will always have to be on guard against falling off the wagon.

Change the physical place that you fantasize - change the room, the decor, the colors, the furniture layout. Put a picture of your wife or a big Bible or picture of the Calvary scene on the wall , something that will disrupt you from moving into that fantasy world.

He will need to rededicate himself to his wife ( consider a renewal of vows and recommit to her alone) . He will need to lay down the critical thoughts he has about her and the tendency to  fit her into the perfect mold of his previous lover.

He will need to begin to focus on meeting her needs, talking to her, caressing her, and try to reengage in a normal sex life. For a time it may not even be satisfying to him but he must continually  ask the Lord to heal his mind and heart. Focus on her fulfillment.

Find other ways to handle your stress and begin to find God's purpose for your life and move towards that. Use exercise and sports to burn off excessive sexual energy.

This is not easy, like any addiction it is a lifetime commitment that requires being vigilant. You can be healed and save your marriage, if your wife is willing, but most of all you can save yourself and pull up out of the deep pit of bondage to reemerge as a man of purity and power.

Dr. Ja'Ola Walker

Bitterness can kill your marriage - Hebrews 12:15 Look diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God: lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled. (KJV) 

The Bible talks about bitterness as a root, specifically an acrid, bitter poisonous root. Bitterness is a love killer, it is so important that we learn to talk about our feelings so we don't bury them. Hurt that is not dealt with becomes bitterness. Couples cannot afford to let a lot of unresolved feelings pile up. The Word tells us do not let the sun go down on our wrath. Deal with issues, you won't sleep well when you are angry anyway.

 Here are some characteristics of bitterness; it has stages beginning with  milder feelings of irritability, if not dealt with it moves to resentment, indignation and then anger from that you will develop feelings of hatred, then evil imaginations and finally cold indifference . This is often the point where couples no longer care and divorce is usually not far behind.

 Here are some of the causes of bitterness ; 1) hurt, 2) offenses   (Proverbs 18:19  A brother offended is harder to be won than strong city: and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.  3) Fornication and sexual sins  (Proverbs 5:4 describes the end of the life of a woman who lived a life of sexual sins -"her end is bitter as wormwood" 4) Being profane, godless, and sacrilegious  like Esau who was bitter because of all he lost (Hebrews 12: 16,17)   and finally 5) Unforgiveness.

                                                                                                                     Verse Verse 15 in Hebrews 12 shows us the process that bitterness develops... Look diligently lest...  1.)  You fail of the grace of God (Fall back and fail to receive His grace)     2.)  Roots of resentment and bitterness shoot up.  3.)  If not rooted out, it causes you  trouble and torment. Finally 4. ) You are contaminated and defiled.

Some have even continued until they were in the "gall of  bitterness" which can lead to witchcraft and sorcery. Acts 8:23 (Simon)

There are consequences for living a life of bitterness;  

   A. Sickness, cancer, arthritis                                    

   B. Lack of grace, (defilement, trouble)

   C. Linked with envy and strife

   D. Spiritual Bondage

  Certain spirits are cousins to bitterness and like to travel together -    resentment, hatred, unforgiveness, violence, temper, anger, retaliation,

    murder.         

What is the cure -   A. Change your thinking;             

 1. Remember- this is not about you, stop taking it personally. We are told that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, rulers of darkness and wicked spirits. Satan hates Christian marriages so you are in a war.  In this life you shall have tribulation. Your spouse can be deceived and used by the enemy to hurt you. But we have all sinned and had times when we were operating in an ungodly way with ungodly attitudes.  Remember how great your sin was  and is, Jesus continually forgives  you. (Matt 6:14, Matt 18:21-35). Try to see the person from God's perspective.  If for no other reason forgive for your own health, freedom, and peace of mind.  Husbands have a particular warning not to be bitter against their wives. It will hinder your prayers.  (Col 3:19) Bitterness will affect your relationship with the Lord, no one is worth hindering your relationship with God. 

 B. Change your behavior; 1. Confess bitterness as sin  2. Bind, renounce and cast off the spirit of bitterness and unforgiveness.  3. Make a quality decision to let it go. Whenever you think negatively about your spouse pray for them. The Lord tells us to pray for them that despitefully use us, hopefully it's not bad, but we are called to pray for our enemies so surely we can pray for our spouses. As you pray the Holy Spirit will change your heart. 4. Determine to put off anger, wrath,  malice, blasphemy, filthy  communication out of  your mouth, lie  not to one another.  (Col 3:8,9,10)  5. Put on... compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.(Col 3:12-17) a. Let peace rule   b. Be thankful , c. Let the Word dwell richly, d. Teach and admonish each other in psalms,

 hymns, spiritual songs   e. Sing in your hearts   f. Do everything in the name of the Lord. 

 

Wait until the two of you calm down, do not call names, talk about your feelings without blaming. Take responsibility for your feelings "I felt hurt when you said that", focus on a solution. Each person take a turn to talk without interruptions . Pray together. Make your marriage a priority and learn some new communication and negotiation skills.

 

Learn how to communicate your feelings in the Communication's chapter - "Do You Feel Me" in the "For Christian Lovers Only™ curriculum. We include exercises, discussions and homework that your small group or you and your spouse can review Keep on growing and learning to love one another.

 

 

                       

 

 

 

Financial issues in marriage are one of the main areas that show up the weaknesses in the relationship. For a couple to successfully manage their finances in this day and age, a variety of skills are needed. You two need to understand male and female differences; you need strong communication skills and negotiation skills. You need a good working relationship because you must decide who will do what, what systems you will use, and, when there is a disagreement, what will be your process for making a decision and moving forward.

If you two are always in a struggle for power in the relationship, money will be one of the main tools that you will use to fight. You even need to look at how money was handled in your family and your spouse's family; your legacies will affect you both.

Unfortunately we are always looking for a quick answer, a pill we can take, a button we can push to make everything all right. This issue is complex and layered, and you must focus on strengthening a variety of skills to improve how you manage your finances as a couple.

Start with your communication skills; make your marriage a priority; determine to focus time, money, and energy to grow and learn. Many of us don't feel we have the time to go to a retreat or conference, we don't have the money to buy a book or curriculum, so we push back those things until we are in crisis. Don't wait for a crisis; take charge now. If you are in crisis, take charge now. Make a decision to start today to strengthen your relationship; if it is strong, it can get better, if it is weak, stop being negative and move towards hope. It takes time, patience, and a commitment to learn the new skills you need, but you can do it.

Let me give you a tip: if your discussions about money are very heated, that means there are other underlying issues. Until you can begin to work on them and get some new skills, try this.

Pull out some pens and paper and together write down a summary of what you owe and what comes in. Don't argue or debate; just get down the facts.

Pray and ask the Lord to take over this area of your marriage; repent if you have not been tithing. You will never get out of the hole if you are under a curse (Mal 3:8-10). Ask the Lord to lead you and help you to work together.

Each of you share some solutions and write them down. Decide together which one to start working on.

If you can't agree, you pick one solution, let the other person pick one, and begin working on those. Meet every week, have prayer, and give your updates. If you are in a lot of debt, you might want to pick one small debt, pay it off quickly, then use that extra money to tackle the next bill and so on. Both of you must determine to stop spending and keep each other focused. Don't fuss, don't blame, don't look at the past or whose fault it is--focus on the solution.